Just another day on the Sbahn, no worries

Berlin is divided into 3 main sections for the sake of public transport tickets: A, B, C.  A is the innermost part, C is the outer part, and B lies in between.  I live near the Wedding stop, right on the cusp of A/B and fantastically close to the Ringbahn.

A - white. B - Light gray. C - medium gray but might as well be blacked out bc you're never going there

It's the line that circles the A region, hitting most of the major stations either directly or by connection -- and runs at nearly all hours of the night, making it infinitely valuable to me. Apparently no one wants to visit Wedding except for Weddingers, and I often find myself wandering around Neukoelln or Friedrichshain trying to find a friend's apartment. Seriously, who designed European streets? Don't even get me started on street numbers. Some streets are numbered from 1-60 going up the street, and suddenly they randomly reverse and go from 61-120 down the other side. Other (unfortunately few, at least where I need to go) streets are numbered in the traditional US fashion, even on one side and odd on the other.

I normally take the Ringbahn home at night, which is an easy trip from the office. A 10 minute walk to the station, then 3 stops on the same train, no change of lines, and I'm practically at my front door. It's about 20 minutes max even if I miss one of the trains and have to wait for the next one. I hear about the commutes of my colleagues who live outside the A/B track and I almost feel guilty for having such an easy one. Berlin is deceptively convoluted and huge when compared to the transport maps, which make everything seem so tidy and linearly connected.  France takes the cake when it comes to complicated city plans but Berlin is still a European city, and its roadways have only been slightly improved by the German tendency towards efficiency.

So, usually my trip home is straightforward, mindless, and relaxing. And then sometimes for seemingly random reasons, the Ringbahn doesn't run like it should. Sometimes there is construction on the line and the train can't run any further than a particular stop. Sometimes it just stops for apparently no reason at all, and the passengers are politely yet coldly informed via intercom "Endstation. Alle aussteigen, bitte." End of the line. Everyone get off, please.

Tonight was one of those nights. At Gesundbrunnen, just one (long) stop away from home, I heard the dreaded phrase Alle ausseigen. Sometimes it's a false alarm and the train continues on its way. I was lagging behind as the other passengers stepped out of the car, hoping that the conductor would realize his mistake and carry me home. So close, yet so far!

A scruffy tattooed man with a beer noticed my hesitation and mumbled gruffly "Der Zug endet hier." The train ends here. Damn. Sure enough, the conductor emerged from his little cabin at the front of the train, making sure that everyone had disembarked before locking the doors. All the passengers and I milled about on the platform, waiting either for instructions about the proper platform to go to or the next train time.

Gesundbrunnen, not the most hospitable place for an unexpected stop

 One particularly belligerent, short man was apparently quite put off by the change and tried to pick a fight with a 20 something German guy. The guy took the bait and got in the short man's face but his girlfriends pulled him away. "Ricki..Ricki, komm!" Ricki slouched away with them in that "Yeah you better be glad my friends are here to stop me" manner that actually means "I am a pussy and wouldn't have done a damn thing, but I'm pretending to be cool because I like this girl." Interesting to note that this trait is not just present in Americans.

A red-haired man went up to a transport worker and asked him something. The worker shook his head, and the man moved on to Ricki's group. I thought he was asking for a cigarette, a commonplace thing here where prices for a pack are sky high ($7). But then I caught the words "Wedding station" and realized he was just asking for directions. The German boy in the group responded "Ja I sink, 2 stations from hier." His tone was clearly condescending.
"Cheers!" the ginger Englishman responded. The girls in the group laughed, mocking his friendly version of "Thanks!"

I went up to the English guy, who was relating the info to his travel buddy, and told him, "Yes, Wedding is on this line. It's the next stop."
He looked relieved. "Cheers! It's the 42? I can take this line?"
"Yep!" I answered.
"Cheers! How do you say 'Is Wedding the next station'?"
"Uhh..Ist die nächste Station Wedding," I responded.
He and his buddy flashed a super huge smiles. "Wow, it's so close to English. Cheers!"

I wandered a few steps away, unwittingly getting closer to the belligerent dude. He was still pissed and started loudly insulting a cluster of German-speaking men who could have been of Indian descent. Yet again one of them took the bait (learning by example is not popular here, apparently) and they exchanged words. All the Germans on the platform looked over with indifferent interest, the same way you start watching trashy reality TV because there is nothing else on but you're bored and hope something interesting might happen.

The same German who had gruffly informed me that der Zug endet hier decided he'd had enough. He made a beeline for Aggressive Dude (AD) and got in his face, speaking quietly in rapid German. I wasn't close enough to hear the words but it reminded me of Cesar Milan when dealing with a particularly stubborn and aggressive dog. The other Germans kept watching with raised eyebrows, no doubt waiting for the other shoe to fly.

Maybe it was that Gruff Dude was about twice the other's height, or maybe his Dog Whisperer tactics worked. Or maybe he was promising to cut Aggressive Dude up worse than a pig in a butcher shop. AD shut his mouth and Gruff Dude walked away, taking a swig from his beer. AD's mouth may have been stopped, but his sour mood continued -- he chucked his empty beer bottle onto the train tracks, its trajectory carrying it just a foot past me so hard that it shattered instantly. Then stalked away, pissed as ever -- but quiet as a lamb. The Germans looked slightly disappointed and resumed their blank German stare into the distance.

The train rumbled up and everyone boarded as if nothing had happened. I made sure to board a car away from AD and headed home without further incident.

Just another day on the S Bahn.

Playing the Tourist

Today was a good day. A really good day. I played the tourist, but it was with good company, so it's an acceptable evil. Have I mentioned before that I despise tourists?

Woke up around 8 to sound of World War 3 in the kitchen, aka my roommate unloading the dishwasher. I don't even mind it -- I could have be living with a slob instead of the tidy Italian. The noise is more like a friendly alarm clock than an annoyance.

I had some coffee and studied German for a while and ate Speisequark (the Greek yogurt on crack) mixed with a perfectly ripe nectarine and some nutmeg. I found a good house DJ on Soundcloud, Der Hausjunkee. The sun was shining merrily outside and I don't work tomorrow because of Memorial Day. It was already shaping up well.

Around 1 Dingens messaged me and asked what I was up to. At that exact moment I was laying on my couch singing, a pastime that I am sure pleases my roommate to no end but is something I love to do when the mood strikes. Don't judge me. I can't sing in the car anymore, gotta get my fix somehow and on the U Bahn surrounded by emotionless Germans doesn't seem quite right.

Anyway, I mentioned that I was going for a walk later. Dingens asked if I'd like to meet him and go for a walk in Tiergarten, a sprawling park close to his apartment. I'd never been, and time with Dingens is always time well spent, so I rushed to get ready and out the door in time to meet him punctually, per German custom. Dingens is from West Germany, not Berlin, so he is painfully punctual.

True to form, he was waiting for me on the Sbahn platform. We meandered through the park, which was crowded with people enjoying the weather. It really is lovely, with tree-lined canals filled with rented rowboats. People were picnicking along the banks wherever they could find a sunny spot of grass. I made a joke about German nudity, and sure enough a short while later we came upon a sunny meadow filled with naked people sunning their buns. It reminded me of Castro in SF, back when nudity was legal.

Tiergarten

Rental rowboats

Statues everywhere

We made our way past the President and Prime Minister's homes. Both were large, stately buildings that looked more like the White House than a home. I was surprised at how low the security was--only a small iron fence and a guard house with just one man at the gate protected the buildings.

Schloss Bellevue

From there we made our way to the Siegessäule, Berlin's Victory Column. It's an imposing monument set in the middle of a multi-lane roundabout, a tall column crowned with a shining gold statue. Originally created to commemorate the Prussian victory in the Danish-Prussian War of 1864, the column was augmented with the statue after subsequent victories in the Austro- and Franco-Prussian wars. It also stood in a different part of the city, but the Nazis moved it to its current location closer to the Brandenburg Gate. It survived the war with minimal damage, but the smooth marble is pockmarked with bullet holes.

Siegessäule from above

Siegessäule from the park

Murals on the lower balcony

Bullet holes, courtesy of trekearth.com

The tiny, winding staircase seemed to go on forever but the view of the city from the top was magnificent and completely worth the climb. Once we got to the viewing deck, Dingens kept up a running commentary on which buildings were important. It struck me how un-European Berlin looks. Normally there is an "old" section of the city, filled with red-roofed buildings clustered by a river. Newer buildings surround that section, and industrial sections pop up in the fringes.

In contrast, Berlin is a hodgepodge of everything. It's a sprawling city, more like a smaller version of LA than Paris. Old buildings which survived the war are mixed in with ugly 70-era square architecture from rebuilding, and modern marvels are dotted here and there along with smokestacks from random factories and power plants. Expanses of green parks give some relief from the crazy mix of buildings. Dingens shared matter of factly that "44% of the city is made up of parks, which is one of highest ratios of any city in the world."

View from the top, on a cloudy day. TV Tower, Berliner Dom, and Brandenburger Tor are visible

We headed back downstairs -- much easier than going the opposite way -- and headed towards the German Parliament building, the Reichstag. We stopped on a bridge and watched the never-ending line of tour boats float underneath us, waving to a few of them to show that Germans can be quite nice after all. They were all too happy to wave back, even snapping some pictures.

tour boat cruising by the Berliner Dom

We went to the Brandenburger Tor next. Lines of carriages and very bored horses waited for tourists. Dingens shared that he's always wanted to take a carriage ride, but we both agreed that a snowy winter day would be ideal. The poop bags would be too smelly on a warm day like today. One of the horses started peeing as if on cue.

Brandenburger Tor (Brandenburg Gate)

Bored ponies. I pet one of them and barely got a blink.

We sat on a bench and people watched. We tried to guess nationalities from clothing styles and talked about random things while soaking up the sun and making fun of the tourists. I always ask a lot of questions and today was no different. He answered all of them thoughtfully like a good German, pausing for a moment before responding.

After the crowd started to thin around 6 we got a couple of cappuccinos at Alexander Platz, a small restaurant/shopping center/movie theater with some impressive architecture.

Not a bad location for a coffee

 Unfortunately we were bombarded with a looping trailer for Blended. Correct me if I'm wrong, but trailers normally showcase the best parts of a movie, right? If those were the best 3 minutes of the movie they could put together...Doesn't bode well for the film overall. Made a mental note to NEVER watch it. Just one viewing of the trailer was sufficient. I think maybe being stabbed with a butter knife might have been preferable to a looping half hour of the trailer.

When we could take it no more, Dingens and I headed back to the nearest S Bahn station. We said our goodbyes and I headed back home on the warm U Bahn that smelled slightly of human sweat. This is a bad omen, as it wasn't even really warm today. Note to self: buy a bike to avoid the cesspool of public transport BO funk that is certain to accompany summer.

Normally I am dead-set against doing touristy things, but with such amazing weather and company it was OK. I was actually really happy to see a different part of the city

Dating in Germany: Part 1

So, I will admit it. I am pretty clueless about dating in Germany, despite having had 3 German boyfriends in the past (plus Dingens). I met two of them in the US, so the courtship was on American terms. I guess there's an unspoken rule to do as the Romans do or something. So now the shoe is on the other foot, and it's up to me to accommodate the other culture. It's not easy though. The whole scene is just so different from the US.

How it normally works in the US:
Girl goes out to a bar with friends. Total Stranger Guy comes up and starts conversation with this girl, probably with some cheesy line or an offer of a drink. Girl accepts. They exchange numbers (or go home together). They see each other again, usually for lunch or coffee. Commence awkward "Getting to know you" conversation because they were too drunk during the initial meeting to remember anything they talked about. They see each other again, maybe for dinner or a movie. And after a few more dates, it's time for the talk (even more awkward than the coffee date.. "Soooooooo, just wondering.. Am I your girlfriend?") And then it's official and everyone is happy.

How it works in Germany:
Girl goes out to a bar with friends. Total Stranger Guy looks her in the eye for about 3.5 seconds. Girl thinks "I wonder if he'll come over to talk to me." He doesn't, but ten minutes later, Guy looks her in the eye again. 5 seconds this time. Girl wonders, "Do I have something on my face?" Later on in the night, they cross paths again. Guy looks her in the eye again. Still from several feet away, still no conversation. Girl thinks, "He's a fucking psycho," and stays away from him for the rest of the night, pointedly ignoring his stares.

It's something like this:

"Hey girl, I'm totally into you." 

No wonder the birth rate in this country is declining.

After doing some research on the subject, it seems that there are some underlying cultural reasons for their roundabout flirting.

Germany is a progressive country. The machismo culture of the Mediterranean seems to be directly related to the average annual temperature -- the further north you go, the less of it there is. By the time you reach Germany, the women are fully equal in society and relationships. They are practical, independent, and to the point. This means they are totally OK with saying "I'm not interested, go away." Apparently this has happened often enough over time that straightforward hitting on has been weeded out of the culture, and now guys signal that they are interested with a look lasting longer than a few seconds. Or multiple looks. Then the ball is in the girl's court. The German flirting is a definite improvement over the annoying random guy grinding behind you at a club. It was just really weird until I realized what was actually going on ("Why are there so many creepers with staring problems in here??")

One blogger put it quite succinctly: "Basically, men are afraid to make fools of themselves, because that’s precisely the risk that flirting entails, and Germans don’t go in for risks. They like to do things properly and thoroughly, not spontaneously or irrationally."

I can vouch for that. Dingens is a prime specimen - good looking, intelligent, diverse interests, etc. Yet for all his good attributes, he's super sensitive and constantly worried that he will do/say something that will show him in a bad light. I finally told him, "Look, I like when people are weird. I am plenty weird and do tons of stupid things. I like you, so just be yourself." He was relieved and he's opened up more since then, but it makes me wonder -- what the hell do German women do for men to be so skittish?

Fun possibly related fact: German men are trained to pee sitting down from a very young age. It has sparked quite a few threads, including this hilarious one from reddit: "A woman was saying that it was totally gross if men stand to pee because they splatter pee all over the place and the men were hanging their heads in shame although one guy did say that he's allowed to stand to pee at the toilet he has in the basement." Pure gold. You'll often see signs politely demanding "Bitte im sitzen pinkeln" - please pee sitting down.

 yatego

Anyway, back to the topic..Another reason why it's unusual to be hit on here: Germans, like the French, are cliquey. They have a core group of friends and it's hard to "break in" as an outsider. If they go out, they normally stay just within that group. It's a blessing and a curse -- great if you are also just out with your friends and not looking for anyone..BUT, if you're interested in meeting someone new, good luck and be prepared to do the leg work!

So, let's say that you  have mastered the "German pick up line" and how to initiate conversation after the guy gives you the look. Congratulations, you've finally managed to get a date with a German! But the cultural differences don't stop there. There are still some important things to note before the date itself. German men are:

• Extremely punctual.  He might even be *gasp* early and irritable if he has to wait around for you. The exception is if he's more Berliner than German, in which case he'll likely be fashionably late. Still, it's better to be ready on time -- you never know.
• You have to plan ahead for dates. Germans love scheduling things, and you're likely to get "I already have plans," if you wait too long to set a date. He's not blowing you off -- German honesty doesn't allow that, and he'd just say "I don't really like you." Nope, he has actually already made plans. Spontaneity is not valued much here.
• Neither is small talk. Germans are direct and say what needs to be said, not much more. Expect to get into engaged conversations about things they are interested in and serious, well-thought answers to your questions. The plus side: he will remember what you say because he's not just daydreaming in his happy place while you blab on about your (recent shopping trip, night out with your girls, dog back home, etc).
• Also, Germans are unwavering in their opinions. They consider all the facts before making up their mind about something, but once they decide the 'best' way, they think all other conflicting opinions are moronic and not worth considering. My first German boyfriend said "That's so stupid," in response to a comment I made. The directness and honesty was quite a shock to me, especially having grown up in the South and being used to white lies to protect the others' feelings and be polite. The memory is actually burned into my mind, like when something traumatic happens to you.  
• They study way longer than Americans -- it's totally normal to meet a 28 year old who's still in uni. Be prepared to talk about things other than careers, and forget about finding a young successful businessman (or engineer, in the case of Germany. I think engineering is the only acceptable course of study here).
• They are not religious. 56% of the country is atheist/agnostic, as Germans are far too practical to believe in something like an omniscient bearded man living in the clouds. True to form, the direct and honest German might even scoff openly if the subject comes up. 
• Expect to split the bill. German women are equals, remember? Sorry to all my ladies who go out on dates just for free dinner and drinks -- that won't fly here.
• Also, don't ask questions if you don't want an honest answer. "What do you think of my new dress" might not get you the white lie that an American would give. "Mmhh, I don't really like the color" is a perfectly acceptable answer here. On the plus side, if he says he likes you or pays a compliment, you can trust that it's how he actually feels. Just be sure to repay the favor and resist your temptation as an American to be polite and avoid hurting feelings. He'll take you at your word, and you might find yourself dragged to watch countless football (soccer) matches because you once said "I like football" in an attempt to seem cool.

So, keeping this in mind -- Part 2 will discuss what to expect when you're actually seeing each other regularly. Once you get the basic principles of German culture down, it makes sense. But at first the learning curve is a bit steep and you might be left wondering "Does he even like me?" as I did many a time.

So why don’t men here flirt? Partly it’s about conforming to standards: getting a wolf whistle as you walked down Unter den Linden would be a bit much. But I don’t believe any German woman could justifiably be offended by being approached by a friendly stranger – that’s just an excuse. Basically, men are afraid to make fools of themselves, because that’s precisely the risk that flirting entails, and Germans don’t go in for risks. They like to do things properly and thoroughly, not spontaneously or irrationally. Forget genetic predisposition, or even cultural conditioning. Germans just aren’t into extreme sports.S

So why don’t men here flirt? Partly it’s about conforming to standards: getting a wolf whistle as you walked down Unter den Linden would be a bit much. But I don’t believe any German woman could justifiably be offended by being approached by a friendly stranger – that’s just an excuse. Basically, men are afraid to make fools of themselves, because that’s precisely the risk that flirting entails, and Germans don’t go in for risks. They like to do things properly and thoroughly, not spontaneously or irrationally. Forget genetic predisposition, or even cultural conditioning. Germans just aren’t into extreme sports.

A Normal Weekday

Wake up around 9 to the sound of the roommate clearing the dishwasher. I stay in bed for a while, drifting in and out of half sleep, and I'm so used to the deafeningly loud bells from the church next door that I sleep right through them.

10 am. Get up and make coffee. My roommate is long gone, off to work, so I've got the apartment to myself. We rarely see each other except on weekends.

I open my email to keep up to speed with what's happening at the office during normal working hours then start studying German. I listen to German pop music as I try to wrap my mind around the grammar lesson (reviewing accusative and dative cases) and eat a couple of kiwis and Speisequark (kind of like Greek yogurt on crack).

11 am. Trade PJ pants for jeans and head to the nearby grocery store, just two blocks away. The sky is cloudy but bits of sun peek through, and it's warm under the patches of sunlight.

Climb the five flights of stairs back home and I assemble the veggies I bought. Today's menu: feldsalat (don't know the name in English, sorry), tomatoes, marinated garlic, cucumber, chickpeas and feta. White wine vinaigrette over it all. Yummz.  Eat and surf facebook, answer some pressing work related emails that have popped up, and review German notecards. I'm serious about this language learning business.

Around 1pm I get ready for work. Hastily tidy the kitchen more out of consideration for my roommate than the desire to actually have a clean kitchen. Pack my lunch for work. I peek at the sky outside and the sun is totally gone, hidden behind gathering clouds. I pack my umbrella, too.

I head out for work at 2pm, getting an early start so I can walk there and get some exercise. My path takes me across the old Wall and a light rain falls as I cross into East Berlin. Tourists have their windbreakers on, hoods up, as they listen to the tour guide. "Tourists, ugh," I think disdainfully. Then I remember that I am supposed to be thinking loving thoughts (per my Buddhist dabblings). I decide the tourists are commendable for braving the shady weather and dodge them as they crowd the sidewalks.

I actually enjoy the walk in the light rain, but as I cross over Schoenhauser Allee the drizzle becomes steady and I break out the umbrella. I bought it in Amsterdam and the shape is a bit funny - it's more of a raindrop shape than an octagon, designed to combat Amsterdam's sudden gusts of wind. I get a couple of cold German "WTF" stares, but then again they might just be looking at me. With Germans you often never know. It doesn't matter anyway -- after 10 minutes the sky clears again.

I arrive at the office around 3:15 and a couple of my team members are already there. I answer emails from clients and questions from my team, meet with other departments, deal with small crises, and make sales calls in between it all.

Email/music break on the balcony around 5:30. Go back inside and one of my team asks, "So, are we going to have our meeting?" Shit. I forgot. Go outside, have our 1 on 1 meeting. She's a trooper, willing to put her head down and work hard and not complain about all the recent changes in the sales organisation. Still, I feel that something work-related is bothering her and she's not being totally honest with me.  I've been having to crack down a lot more on everyone lately and I can feel that I am slowly crossing the line from "colleague/friend" to manager, and I wonder what she would have told me if I was just another team member.

I'm starving at 6. Eat the salad I packed and listen to music while doing manager stuff on the laptop. Turn the volume up to drown out the sounds of the open office -- Brazil is going full out on the calling, a girl from HR is challenging people to ping pong like it's a duel to the death, and the loudest person on my team is in an intense call. Then the questions start. Someone's CRM is fucking up. Someone else has strange questions from a prospect. Yet another person has questions about the newsletter. The phone rings. I eventually just pull one earpiece out of my ear so I can stop asking people to repeat their question. Someone from Product Design comes over to talk. I pull the headphones off, pausing the song in the hopes that I can return to my quiet happy place later. Much later.

The coworker from PD leaves. The German Boy (henceforth called Dingens, the German word for "Whatchamacallit") messages me on facebook. He's going back home this weekend so he can't come to my friend's birthday party. We chat about his plans, work, and his motorcycle back home that he'll finally be able to ride again. I remember hot summer afternoons spent on South Carolina's country roads on the back of my then-boyfriend's bike, and the exhilarating feel of the wind cooling my sunbaked skin as we ride anywhere and everywhere.

I answer emails. I make calls. I field more questions from the team. Around 10 I'm starving again. Salad is long gone. I make a grocery store run and bump into a guy from the startup who is leasing the empty third of our office. We chat for a few minutes about my company and my team's weird working hours.

Pack up around 11:50. Head to the Sbahn station with Barbie. My train comes and I get on. On board I am surrounded by Spanish, French, Turkish, and Asian-accented German. A typical Berlin crowd. The man on the seat in front of me, visible through the clear plexiglass wall, sips a beer as he sits alone.

I get off at my station and notice how full the station is, despite it being nearly 1 am. A punk girl with pale blue dreads sits with her scruffy puppy. He's watching the passerby with liquid brown eyes, and I resist the temptation to pet him as I would've done in San Francisco. An old woman stands next to them, waiting for the train. A couple kisses each other, embracing the other as if it were their last day on Earth. A girl with a rolling suitcase turns from side to side, obviously unaccustomed to the station and wondering which way to go.

I walk the 2 blocks to my apartment and finally I'm home. The roomie is asleep, or holed away in his room playing Playstation before bed. Again, like always, it's like the apartment is all mine. I drop my bag in a corner and hang up my jackets in an attempt to keep the room tidy. Finally I pour a glass of Chardonnay, and grab my laptop to write this post.

Springtime False Alarm & General Update

Just when I was starting to get used to the warm sunny days, weekend afternoons in the park, and carrying a light jacket just for the nighttime commute, clouds rolled in and the temperature plummeted. Unfortunately I'd gotten acclimated to the warm weather already (I'm a Southern girl, so I naturally prefer being too hot vs too cold). I've spent the day wrapped in my comforter with my hoodie on -- and yes, my hood is up.

I don't have any topic in particular, so this is going to be a general "catch up/highlight" post.

Last week I attended an online conference about meditation. It was actually really cool -- they streamed each session for 24 hours after the original broadcast. There were all kinds of speakers -- 33 in all. Each session was about an hour, so I had to pick and choose which ones I wanted to watch. But I learned something from each one. Each speaker started off with how he/she got into meditation and then the impact of his/her particular kind of meditation on their lives. It finished with a 10-15 minute guided meditation led by the speaker.

It was a really great, calming way to start my day. I found that I have a lot of pent up emotions that need to come out. I'm the queen of compartmentalization and burying things because it's easier than dealing with them, but I learned by listening to the sessions that it's really not a good thing to do. And it was obvious when I was meditation. After just a couple of minutes, tears were running down my face.  Not because I was sad, but because the emotions were finally getting a chance to surface.  I am going to try to meditate each day, but it's so hard for me to just sit and try to clear my mind. I made a goal to work up to 30 minutes at a time.

The effect it has on my work is great. I had some bad news about my team fucking up last week, and I was furious -- it was affecting multiple people at the company, and it was DESPITE us having had an hour long meeting about the subject. Not only did it make us look stupid, we were also putting other people behind.  I decided to get off the train early and walk the rest of the way to the office to clear my head and avoid ripping into everyone as soon as I got to work. On the way, a German girl dressed in a sari stopped me. She represented a temple in the city and started talking to me about karma and life. The timing was almost funny -- after my meditation conference, and just when I was struggling to put what I learned in the sessions to work in the real world. When I walked away from her, I was calm -- I had the new perspective that the team's fuckup was just a fleeting moment in the grand scheme of things, and that although it was a problem that needed to be dealt with, it wasn't worthy of such a huge surge of negative emotion. Life is cool sometimes.

Speaking of work, we just moved into a new office. It's so cool. I feel like we're in a legitimate company now and not just working out of an apartment. The floorplan is open and airy with high ceilings. We have a couple of balconies, a ping pong table, and couches for informal meetings and working together. There are even some big outdoor beanbag chairs, perfect for lounging around on the balcony.  Before the US team was stuffed into a tiny meeting room that faced the building's inner courtyard. It was cramped, dark, and when we were all on the phone the noise was almost unbearable. There's still noise in our new spot (we are next to the Brazilian team, and they tend to speak loudly and emphatically) but we can see everyone and get some sunlight, which does wonders.

I was really struggling to deal with the new responsibility. Not because I wasn't able to manage the team, but because I was trying to do everything at once. Be a top seller, a leader, and tackle side projects at the same time. Finally I realized that if I kept that up, I'd get burned out quickly. I had two options: be a hands-off manager and try to outsell everyone, giving them something to aspire to -- or to be a hands on manager and let someone else be the top seller. I chose the second option -- I'd rather have a team of happy, balanced sellers who can focus on performance, have all their questions answered, and have their needs met. Once I made that decision, it's become so much easier. I still have my own accounts but if I have too many meetings one day, or if we have a new trial hire for the week, I don't beat myself up if I can't meet my selling goals.  And to hear the CEO tell me that I'm doing a great job is the icing on the cake -- ultimately I want to make him happy, and to hear that what I'm doing is working is such a relief and gives me energy and drive to keep going.

Also, I started seeing someone new. I met Dingens (not his real name) for the via Tinder back in December, but then I met Mir, and stopped seeing Dingens although we kept in touch. He's so German -- studying engineering (civil), tall and blond, and not from Berlin. It's still really casual but it'll be nice to see where things go with him.

Also, thank everyone who wrote me about my mom after reading my last post. It really means a lot to me to know that I have people around the world who are with me in spirit. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart!

I leave you with some pictures of Berlin in the spring.

anchoredpaperplane

anchoredpaperplane

anchoredpaperplane

panoramio

paperblog

telegraph.co.uk

viador

Back Again (Finally)!

So, it's been a crazy few months since I last wrote.. Again and again, I've said to myself "Start posting again," but there is always a reason to put it off. In no particular order:

1. Work
2. TV shows
3. Language
4. Nothing real to write about
5. Love problems
6. Family problems

#4 "Nothing real to write about"
What does that mean, exactly? I didn't want to start this blog as a diary, only writing about what I did that day. It's boring and narcissistic, and honestly I have no desire to air what I do on a day to day basis. Just like what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what happens in Berlin stays in Berlin. Unless you were there, in which case words aren't necessary.  I want each post to mean something and share information -- be it about a place I go to, a person I know, the city itself, etc.  Just writing "So I went to work today, and we had a new hire..." is just blah. I don't need to write about it, and you don't need to hear about it. Unless you are creepy/weird. And there are many adventures you just don't need to hear about.

#3. Language
I have always loved languages and learning them. In school I mastered Spanish (and then forgot it through disuse), dabbled in German, and mastered French. Thankfully I've held on to French and can force myself to speak some halting Spanish if I need to. I live in Germany now, but Berlin is such an international city (and the national level of English is so high) that I really don't need to use German much at all. Greetings, numbers, and practical knowledge of food items and prepositions along with some key verbs has served me well. But that's not enough for me. This is a huge opportunity to really become fluent in a new language, and so I set a goal to study German for at least an hour a day. I found a website called Duolingo that does a wonderful job of gamifying the effort of learning language. I will probably write another post about it because this is already getting long.. But yes in a nutshell, I'm devoting lots of time to a) learning German and b) restarting my French studies so I can retain that beautiful language that has become such a passion for me.

#1. Work
I got a promotion in February. Now I am officially the manager of the US Team at the company. It was easy enough when we only had 4 people, but now we are double that and looking to hire even more. The entire company is growing at the same rate, which means that what could squeeze by as make-do before just isn't cutting it anymore. I'm spending more and more time in meetings, training, creating workflows and processes, and keeping my little family happy and productive. We (I) have to deliver results and I'm spending probably 75% of my waking hours trying to figure out exactly how to do that, and how to be a good manager.

#2. Tv shows
After work instead of staying up until 4 or 5 (or even 6am, sometimes) blogging, I was happy to just shut off my brain and watch TV. Germany is a strange place -- music is heavily restricted on Youtube through an institution called GEMA, which sucks. And they heavily monitor torrents and P2P (peer to peer, aka illegal) file sharing. However, apparently it's totally legal to stream whatever TV shows and movies you want.

I started watching Suits, which is an awesome (if glorified) show about high flying corporate lawyers in NYC. I was also getting caught up with Mad Men. I'm still getting caught up -- halfway there. The episodes are just SO long that I can't be bothered sometimes. And then, my French colleague told me about this ABSOLUTELY amazing series called "Les Revenants." I started it with the intention of not losing my French skills, but it's so well done that it sucked me in and I devoured the first season. Happily I finished it (it leaves you with a huge cliffhanger, of course) and went to search the internets for season 2...only to find that while it was originally aired in 2012, the next season is only just now being filmed and won't be broadcast until the end of this year. "What a bummer" doesn't begin to cover it. If you can find a subbed (or at least dubbed) version, DO IT. But don't say I didn't warn you about season 2.

#6. Family problems
These have a huge contributing factor to #5, so they go first. A few weeks ago I had some really bad news. My mom went to the doctor about a cyst, and the doctor thought it looked suspicious. He wanted to get it tested, and the results came back suspiciously like bone cancer. So, imagine my reaction when I called home for a nice chat and got the news that my mom might have cancer.

5. Love problems
It was getting harder and harder to see M because of schedule conflicts, and apparently both being workaholics. He was working literally every single day to earn money for a vacation. I was working literally every single day to stay on top of everything I had to do at work. Between the two of our schedules, there was literally no time for us to see each other for several weeks. And then he went on vacation -- another week of occasional FB messaging -- and just when the light at the end of the tunnel was visible, his new semester started. And then I told him about my mom, and instead of coming over to be with me, he didn't. And that really shocked me and made me rethink everything about our relationship. I firmly believe that you are who you spend your time with and allow into your life, and I have no space for shit like that. I broke up with him the next day. He apologized during a long talk a week later, and we decided to try again..but I couldn't really move past his reaction to my bad news. To pull from that Marilyn Monroe quote that floats around the net: If he's going to run away during a bad time, does he deserve the good times? Sadly my answer was no.

So.. That is where I am now. Working a lot, trying my hardest to balance having a happy team and increasing our output while figuring out how to be a leader and not just a manager. I love it, though. One of the team members started calling me "Mama Chick" and I love it. My team is the most amazing group of little chicks I could ask for.

In between working at work and figuring out how to be a good leader and not just a manager, I've been taking lots of time for myself. Spring is here in Berlin and I've been spending a lot of time outside by myself and less time clubbing. My favorite weekend past time is walking a couple of miles to a large park nearby and sitting in the sun with a good book and a Club Mate. I also signed up for an online conference about meditation and although I couldn't watch all 33 speakers, I got to watch some really good sessions. I will save the details for another post, but the change I've seen in just shifting my thinking has been amazing.

So, I leave you on a positive note! Peace, love, gratitude, and living in the present moment trumps anxiety, fear, and worry. Take a moment to realize that everything that is happening in your life is only fleeting, and that you have the power to change it all with just a single thought. Each time I feel the wind, see the sun, or pass a person on the street I take a second to appreciate it and my heart wells up with love and contentment. It's so easy to let the small things pass us by, but it's all these tiny things that make up what life really is. Enjoy it while it's here -- don't make each moment precious, because it already is. Instead, realize that it's precious

An Ode to my (former) Facebook Wife

Ever since that first day we met -- the first 5 minutes -- you have been my best friend. The ultimate friend. I realized that yes, souls are made whole and split into two parts. And I'm one of those people who are lucky enough to find the other half while stumbling around blind in this thing we call life.  You make me believe in destiny.  When we trace back how we met -- the events on my side leading up to PYS, the events on your (and your family's) side, the crazy chance that threw us together in the same room -- what are the odds? Seriously. How else could a girl living in PA, and another in SC, come together? And yet we did, and since that day you haven't left my life, and I love you more dearly than any other person I've ever met.  I can honestly say you are the person I trust, that I confide in, that I  believe in. Your family adopted me when my own wouldn't have me, no questions asked. And I hold them just as dearly to my heart as I do you.

We've only seen each other once or twice a year, and although we try to keep in touch, it's difficult. It always has been. Most people drift apart as they grow older. It's inevitable that we, as human beings, change with time.  But despite the distance of hundreds of miles (and now thousands, and multiple time zones), we somehow changed together.  When we talk, or when we see each other, it's obvious that we have changed in the same way.  It's something that never ceases to amaze me.  We have the same laugh, we have the same sense of humor.  We have the same toughness about us, even if it's applied in very different situations. And when we do differ, you are the yin to my yang, so even as opposites we balance each other.

You've been there for me, been my rock and foundation in my times of hardship. Lord knows I've had some hard times...but you were there fighting for me when I even I couldn't fight for my own life.  You gave me some of your strength and fire and I was able to fight back to the surface and find my will to survive.

You are my voice of reason, my final say. If i'm on the fence about something...ask the bestie.

You are so driven, so smart, so beautiful..It's amazing that the entire heterosexual male population doesn't just lay down right now in deference to your amazingness.  And yes, spell check, I realize that "amazingness" is not a word. I am adding it to my dictionary right now.

I loved you since Day One. And even now, almost 15 years later.. I still love you. You are my best friend and that won't ever change. We won't let it.