Men Day 2015 Part 2

Jenny and I downed a few grenadine-heavy tequila sunrises and around 11:30 decided to go out. The boys' cell phones had died several hours before but we could predict where they would end up -- the Alte Kantine in Kulturbrauerei, a large building complex that formerly housed a brewery (hence the name Brauerei). Now it houses several clubs, small businesses, and a couple restaurants. Alte Kantine is a favorite of the boys because of quite a few reasons that keep them coming back week after week after week, despite the dozens of amazing clubs that provide Berlin its famous nightlife:

• cheap 5 euro entrance and hardly any line
• reasonable drink prices (3 eur beers, 6-7 eur rum & cokes, 1 eur shooters)
• partygoers are in their mid 20s - because no one wants to go out and party with 16 year olds just able to get into clubs
• big dance floor and good mix of music. The DJ normally plays a few songs from one genre and switches to another one; so you'll hear Backstreet Boys and Britney Spears, then a few German pop songs, then a few rap songs, then some modern pop songs, and maybe even some good ol' 90s grunge rock after that
• not really any electro music, which the boys don't really like for an entire evening anyway, and which ensures that drugs in the club are at a minimum

So we could predict with 90% certainty that Olli and Mario would be heading to Alte Kantine some time that night, if they were still coherent enough to decide they even wanted to go out. Remember, they had been drinking for about 12 hours by this time.

She and I went to a dive bar in Prenzlauer Berg called Mokum. It was everything a dive bar should be - dirty, filled with drunk loud people, shady changing drink prices, darts, pool table; and it even had a  small dance room with a few tables and worn fake-leather couches sprinkled along the walls. 

outside of Mokum (yelp.com)

The DJ was playing heavy metal when we arrived and found a spot on a couch. The dance floor was mostly empty except for a few guys who were really into the music. I couldn't help sitting there and laughing silently -- watching these crazy white people bounce around and headbang reminded me of the "Black People not Amused with White People" meme. Of course Jenny didn't get it when I told her because there are seemingly only 3 black people in all of Germany, and those who are here definitely do not have the same culture as in America. So she just nodded as if she knew what I was talking about and we went back to watching the crazed rockers mosh around. 

I was beginning to understand what rocker Jenny liked about the bar - she is a rocker through and through and while she tolerates pop, it's really not her thing. I went with her once to an 80s metal night and was like "Who is this person and how can she headbang so much?"

Blah blah blah, party party party, dance dance dance, beer beer beer. Fast forward to 4 am. Shortly after we arrived, Jenny had requested a Judas Priest song - and the DJ promptly played everything except 80s metal. She was getting pretty annoyed and definitely not feeling the atmosphere any longer, so we called it a night. The bar is situated directly on the tram line I needed to go back home, and would have been faster than walking back to the Ubahn station and taking the subway with Jenny, so we said goodbye and headed our separate ways.

I unfortunately managed to just miss the tram. During the day, almost all of the public transport systems run ever 5 - 10 minutes. After midnight regardless of the day, the trams run once every half hour. I arrived at the stop and saw 30 minutes until the next one. Perfect. I was in relatively safe Berlin, in a relatively safe neighborhood, and the sky was already beginning to get lighter, even at 4 am, and I was sober. I decided to follow the tram line and walk from one station to the next. It's something I would never do in San Francisco, with the high-crime areas of the Tenderloin and Western Addition blocking the path to my apartment in pristine Pacific Heights. But here in Berlin, it was just a walk in the cool, early morning air.

So I walked.. and walked.. and walked. The minutes on each tram station dwindled but not nearly fast enough. At this rate I would be all the way to Frankfurter Allee before the tram even got close. So when I came to the intersection where Mario always turns left while driving home, I decided to follow that road instead. The hypotenuse is the shortest distance between two points, and I've come this far, might as well walk the rest of the way, right?

Well.. Not exactly. I've got a habit of heading off in the general direction of something without knowing exactly how to get there. I always arrive, but it's not necessarily the best route. It's actually usually definitely not the fastest route. And this happened again. See, the thing about Berlin is that it is huge. HUGE. It is 891 km sq. San Francisco is a measly 121 km sq, including Treasure Island and Alcatraz. The entire city of San Francisco is basically a district inside Berlin. I failed to take this into account and walked for about 50 minutes. I saw a landmark, a tall hotel, that is about 10 minutes away from our apartment. And it was probably at least 20 minutes of walking away. By now the sun was almost over the horizon and my refreshing morning walk had turned into drudgery. I found an Sbahn station and hopped onto the train, getting home in 10 minutes.

I texted Jenny as promised, letting her know that I got home all right. It was almost 5:30 am and Mario still wasn't home. That isn't anything strange - sometimes he gets home at 7 am when he goes out without me, and sometimes we get home at 8 or 9 when we go out together. But this time something didn't feel right. I waited and waited, and finally at 6:30 I decided it was time to go to bed.

I woke up just before 9 am with a start. Still no Mario. I had a really bad feeling. I immediately checked my phone and saw that he had written me just minutes before:

"Baby ich bin im Krankenhaus und muss erst mal hier bleiben... Es geht mir so weit gut also mach dir bitte keine Sorgen. Ich liebe dich. Ich muss jetzt schlafen"  - Baby I am in the hospital and have to stay here for now. I'm OK so far so don't worry, please. I love you. I have to sleep now.

 Cue instant panic.

Pinkie Promises and Penis Fights

I don’t know how it happens, but my friends always attract the most colorful characters in Berlin.  There was that one old Italian guy who, while my boyfriend and I were waiting for the Ubahn, wanted to come over to chat with us. My boyfriend gave him an “Eat shit and die” look before the guy could get within speaking distance, and the man wisely took the hint and started talking to a trash can instead about how unfriendly we are.

Then there was that middle-aged couple who bought just two cigarettes from us. They were drunk and on their way to a concert at 7:30am (just as we were coming back from a club). The music they were going to hear? Indian-influenced techno, at a ridiculous 170 beats per minute. They invited us to come, but we politely declined. For your reference, here's a 160bpm track. I can only imagine what Indian-flavored techno at 170 bpm would sound like...

Oh, and then there was that drunk person who tripped UP the stairs at the Frankfurter Tor Ubahn station, recovered slightly, and then strolled away. Pretty normal, actually… Until we noticed he had a huge unopened can of soup in his hoodie pocket. Literally, the can could have fed four people. It was a Costco, Sams Club sized can of soup. The strangest part is that it was very early on a Sunday morning, and it is pretty much impossible to go to a grocery store so early on a Sunday, meaning he must have been carrying around with him for who knows how long.

BUT -- the more I think about it, the more that it makes sense. Birds of a feather flock together, and as the German saying goes, my boyfriend and his friends haben ein Vogel -- literally, have a bird. Figuratively, they are a bit off their rocker.  Combine that with very friendly and talkative personalites -- especially when combined with copious amounts of beer and Havana rum -- and actually I am not surprised at all that we stumble into hilariously strange situations.

Take this past weekend for example. Sergio’s birthday night, Saturday. It was a boy’s night, and my boyfriend and his BBF (Best Bro Friend) Olli were in attendance at the party. No worries -- rocker chick Jenny (Olli’s girlfriend) and I had a girls’ night and met the extremely drunk boys much later at a club.

Around 11 pm we got a Whatsapp picture from my boyfriend, Mario. He and Olli were holding their shirts up and pushing their crotches together. It looked almost like they were comparing belt buckles. The text read “Pinkie Promise!” Earlier I'd taught him what a pinkie promise is, and he pinkie promised me that “Tonight I will be really really drunk.”

Jenny stared at the picture, then at me. I explained to her the pinkie promise thing, and we wrote back “Congratulations.”

We didn’t think any more about it until we were heading home around 7:30 that morning. The sun was just starting to come up and Jenny and I were the only sober ones.

We were standing on a street corner near the Eberswalder stop on Schoenhauser Allee. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a fairly busy intersection. This morning the traffic was more of the drunken  pedestrian sort and less of the auto sort, but it was busy nonetheless.

Suddenly, Mario stopped and yelled “PINKIE PROMISE!” Olli’s face lit up and both boys started undoing their flys, leaving their belts and top buttons alone. Jenny and I looked at each other, thinking “Oh God, what are they doing now?”

The boys shoved their hands inside their jeans, struggling around, and finally poked their little fingers out of their unzipped pants. It really looked like baby penises wagging around. “PINKIE PROMISE!!” they both yelled, then pushed their hips together and started playing a weird game of fencing with their digits. Suddenly the picture we’d received earlier made a lot more sense.

A drunk guy walking by saw the fencing match and wanted in on it, too. “Hey, ja!” he said, unzipping his pants. Except he also undid his belt and the top button.  When we realized what was happening, it was too late. We all screamed “NOOOOOOOO!!” It was like everything was happening in slow motion -- you want to stop it, but you can’t. He was barreling ahead like a locomotive, unstoppable in his drunken stupor.

“PINKIE PROMISE!” he yelled, whipping out his penis and ready to join in on the fun.

I was hysterical, laughing so hard I was about to cry. Jenny was screaming about how disgusting it looked. And the boys were all yelling “Dude!! It’s just our fingers!!”

He stood there for a few seconds, then put the pieces together. “Oh…” He shoved the penis back into his pants. “You could have told me sooner that it was just your fingers, you assholes,” he mumbled, complete embarrassment breaking through the alcohol haze. But it was all good. We had a good laugh together, Olli gave him a high-five (Jenny sighed and told me, “Now I have to burn his hands. That penis was disgusting looking.”) and he took a group photo of us.

Indeed, upon retrospection.. It’s not a surprise at all that we attract such characters. What would you expect when having a “penis fight” at 7:30am on a weekend near Kulturbrauerei?

Let’s see what fun the next weekend brings..

An Ode to my (former) Facebook Wife

Ever since that first day we met -- the first 5 minutes -- you have been my best friend. The ultimate friend. I realized that yes, souls are made whole and split into two parts. And I'm one of those people who are lucky enough to find the other half while stumbling around blind in this thing we call life.  You make me believe in destiny.  When we trace back how we met -- the events on my side leading up to PYS, the events on your (and your family's) side, the crazy chance that threw us together in the same room -- what are the odds? Seriously. How else could a girl living in PA, and another in SC, come together? And yet we did, and since that day you haven't left my life, and I love you more dearly than any other person I've ever met.  I can honestly say you are the person I trust, that I confide in, that I  believe in. Your family adopted me when my own wouldn't have me, no questions asked. And I hold them just as dearly to my heart as I do you.

We've only seen each other once or twice a year, and although we try to keep in touch, it's difficult. It always has been. Most people drift apart as they grow older. It's inevitable that we, as human beings, change with time.  But despite the distance of hundreds of miles (and now thousands, and multiple time zones), we somehow changed together.  When we talk, or when we see each other, it's obvious that we have changed in the same way.  It's something that never ceases to amaze me.  We have the same laugh, we have the same sense of humor.  We have the same toughness about us, even if it's applied in very different situations. And when we do differ, you are the yin to my yang, so even as opposites we balance each other.

You've been there for me, been my rock and foundation in my times of hardship. Lord knows I've had some hard times...but you were there fighting for me when I even I couldn't fight for my own life.  You gave me some of your strength and fire and I was able to fight back to the surface and find my will to survive.

You are my voice of reason, my final say. If i'm on the fence about something...ask the bestie.

You are so driven, so smart, so beautiful..It's amazing that the entire heterosexual male population doesn't just lay down right now in deference to your amazingness.  And yes, spell check, I realize that "amazingness" is not a word. I am adding it to my dictionary right now.

I loved you since Day One. And even now, almost 15 years later.. I still love you. You are my best friend and that won't ever change. We won't let it.

Tribute to B.. No, not Queen B

I've written before about my roommate, and Mir the loverboy, some coworkers, my love for the city herself..but I've neglected to mention a very special VIP.

My girl B (no, not Beyonce, the other B) is my partner in crime.  Before I got to know her better, I remember stalking looking at her fb and thinking, "Wow, this is some interesting stuff here!" (Side note: for all of you living under a rock, Rule #1 of getting to know someone: check their fb. It's not stalking if everyone does it).

We have the same taste in music.  Rock. Good rock, with a twinge of darkness. Like.. Deftones, NIN, APC, Tool.. You name it, she's been to one of their shows. Met their wives. Has autographed pictures. Whatever. I know I can always count on her to "like" my Sound of the day on fb when I am in a rock mood.

It wasn't until an outing together with a couple friends that I realized how freaking awesome she is. B is kind of like a mullet: business in the front, party in the back.

Not going to lie.. Was staring at mullet pics for 10 mn before deciding on these. Because MacGyver. And short shorts.

And yes, while this analogy makes perfect sense in my head, I realize how strange that sounds, so let me explain.

Business in the Front
At work, she has her shit together. This girl is an expert in sales. She's got the friendly "I'm-actually-just-a-friend-calling-to-give-you-a-suggestion-about-this-great-thing-I-heard-about-and-am-totally-not-selling-you-anything" tone perfected. Side note: she's speaking in Portuguese but she's so awesome that even with the language barrier I know she's rocking it.

B can move a deal (opportunity for you Salesforce users out there) from cold to pending in one call. And organization? The girl's got a freaking elaborate excel spreadsheet to keep track of all the cycles she's got going on.  It's impressive, to say the least. The CEO would trust her with his life, I think, and it's well deserved.

Party in the Back
Oh God.. I will have to censor most of this part for both of our sakes.  B and I probably need a chaperone when we go out, but only in a good way.  For my family who is reading this: we are safe! With friends always! We stay away from dark alleys, questionable situations, and say no to drugs!

With that said.. you never know where the night will lead when we decide to go out -- attempted
(and clothed) pole dancing at Cookies, anyone?  Even when we decide to stay in it's an awesome time. I got a text one night around 1 am from her.. "I'm on the way home from Wohnzimmer but actually I don't want to go home.." My apartment is on her way, so of course the only logical explanation is to hang out in my kitchen with beers until the wee hours of the morning. Rock music, beer, and talking about any- and everything? Yes please. Before we knew it, the clock was chiming 5am. On a Tuesday.

She is kind, she is adventurous, she is confident. She's got her own opinions and she's not afraid to share them. She'd make Ke$ha proud -- "Be yourself. Unapologetically." She is tough and independent. She left her life back home for Germany, and she is painting Berlin red and making it HER fucking city. Amazing, unpredictable, intelligent, fun, and crazy? Yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. My confidant, the one I spill my trashy dirty secrets to? Yes and yes. A role model in all the best ways? Yes.

                    

Coworker love

After work I met some coworkers (the ones who work more normal hours). They are absolutely awesome girls -- I knew they would be super awesome after I first met them. Their style, their manner -- I knew we'd be good friends, it was just a matter of time.  Some things are just meant to be, and after talking with them for a little while, I can tell they are girls I can really like. Which is strange, because normally I gravitate more towards guys. They are real and friendly and open and funny and I love it.

They started having Monday Funday after work around 6, and then came back to the office to laugh at us for working so late.  They didn't want to be mean, but it's still hard to be nice in such a situation. They are partying and we are making calls ):  Anyway, I was playing chicken with the founder. Who will leave the office first??? But we ended up leaving at the same time, and I had another test integration, so it was totally worth staying later.

After I left work I hightailed it to Intersoup, where the coworkers were hanging out. It's a cool dive bar in Prenzlauer Berg with multiple rooms. On a Monday it was your typical Berlin hangout -- I have no idea how these people can go out so late on a weeknight but they manage to do it. Tourists?? Maybe. Anyway, it was a cool place. I'd like to see it in action on a Thursday or Friday night, but for now it was OK. More about the company than the location.

There are these 2 girls at my office who are SO cool. I mean, everyone I work with is awesome.. But these girls kind of run the show. They are the nicer version of the Mean Girls team. The hot girls in the office who are untouchable, who make their own rules. But they are real and down to earth at the same time. For men it would be a deadly combination -- at least for American men, they wouldn't know what to make of these girls -- but for me I am so at ease. I've spent way too much time with guys, even if it's the gender I'm most comfortable with.  On the way to the train we were singing "All the single ladies" and it's so true. I need more of this in my life. Uncomplicated, acceptance, enjoying life, not looking for anything.. Just being yourself and enjoying the company of others.

They are so cool.. And I am looking forward to the next time we can hang out.