Stupid things I've said in German

I've been here for a year but didn't actually start to speak German until about 5 months ago, when I met my boyfriend. He barely speaks English and since I'm not planning on leaving the country anytime soon, it was more practical for me to start learning German instead of forcing him to learn English. Easier said than done...

I asked today if I have an accent with everything I say, or if I actually sound German sometimes. Mario didn't even need a second to consider his answer. "You have an accent all the time. Except when you say 'nichts.'"

What the hell. "Nichts," German for "nothing," is actually a pretty hard word to say. You've got that soft ch sound, followed by the hard t, followed by the soft s. What about the easy stuff, like ja or nein? Is it even possible to say those words any other way than the German way?

I don't believe it. I'm going to ask "Did I have an accent?" after every single sentence I utter tonight.  Just to be sure. There has to be some other word I can say correctly. Has to be.

At least my accent can be understood, and maybe even charming to some. But what's really funny -- and sometimes embarrassing -- is when I screw up the words entirely.

Here are the translations of the stupid things I've said (offending words in red), along with what I should have said (in green).

When asked if I want more to eat at dinner:
No thanks, I don't want any more. My tree is full.
tree = Baum
stomach = Bauch 

When looking for my toothbrush:
Where is my toothbreast?
breast = Bruste
toothbrush = Zahnbürste

When talking about someone with acne on his scalp:
He has to pee in his hair.
to pee = pinkeln
pimple = Pickel

When asked about what I'm giving my boyfriend for his birthday:
I don't know yet.. I must buy him a poison.
poison = Gift
gift = Geschenk

When buying paper for rolling cigarettes:
Can I have the blue documents?
documents = Papiere
cigarette paper = Paper
I did this one for months and never understood why I got such strange looks until my boyfriend was kind enough to explain to me that I was actually asking for something like immigration papers, not rolling papers

Talking about breakfast, and not realizing that a slang term for testicles is "eggs":
Yeah, I love balls. I could eat balls every single day. They are so tasty and you can do so much with them.
balls = Eier
eggs = Eier
So, in my defense -- that one was actually correct vocabulary, but my boyfriend's brain is in the gutter. He got a big kick out of that one.

Yeahhh, don't bring me home to meet the family just yet.. Or, at the very least, keep me away from Grandma until I can get my sexual slang under control.  I'm sure the list will grow more in the future.. Stay tuned.

Just another day on the Sbahn, no worries

Berlin is divided into 3 main sections for the sake of public transport tickets: A, B, C.  A is the innermost part, C is the outer part, and B lies in between.  I live near the Wedding stop, right on the cusp of A/B and fantastically close to the Ringbahn.

A - white. B - Light gray. C - medium gray but might as well be blacked out bc you're never going there

It's the line that circles the A region, hitting most of the major stations either directly or by connection -- and runs at nearly all hours of the night, making it infinitely valuable to me. Apparently no one wants to visit Wedding except for Weddingers, and I often find myself wandering around Neukoelln or Friedrichshain trying to find a friend's apartment. Seriously, who designed European streets? Don't even get me started on street numbers. Some streets are numbered from 1-60 going up the street, and suddenly they randomly reverse and go from 61-120 down the other side. Other (unfortunately few, at least where I need to go) streets are numbered in the traditional US fashion, even on one side and odd on the other.

I normally take the Ringbahn home at night, which is an easy trip from the office. A 10 minute walk to the station, then 3 stops on the same train, no change of lines, and I'm practically at my front door. It's about 20 minutes max even if I miss one of the trains and have to wait for the next one. I hear about the commutes of my colleagues who live outside the A/B track and I almost feel guilty for having such an easy one. Berlin is deceptively convoluted and huge when compared to the transport maps, which make everything seem so tidy and linearly connected.  France takes the cake when it comes to complicated city plans but Berlin is still a European city, and its roadways have only been slightly improved by the German tendency towards efficiency.

So, usually my trip home is straightforward, mindless, and relaxing. And then sometimes for seemingly random reasons, the Ringbahn doesn't run like it should. Sometimes there is construction on the line and the train can't run any further than a particular stop. Sometimes it just stops for apparently no reason at all, and the passengers are politely yet coldly informed via intercom "Endstation. Alle aussteigen, bitte." End of the line. Everyone get off, please.

Tonight was one of those nights. At Gesundbrunnen, just one (long) stop away from home, I heard the dreaded phrase Alle ausseigen. Sometimes it's a false alarm and the train continues on its way. I was lagging behind as the other passengers stepped out of the car, hoping that the conductor would realize his mistake and carry me home. So close, yet so far!

A scruffy tattooed man with a beer noticed my hesitation and mumbled gruffly "Der Zug endet hier." The train ends here. Damn. Sure enough, the conductor emerged from his little cabin at the front of the train, making sure that everyone had disembarked before locking the doors. All the passengers and I milled about on the platform, waiting either for instructions about the proper platform to go to or the next train time.

Gesundbrunnen, not the most hospitable place for an unexpected stop

 One particularly belligerent, short man was apparently quite put off by the change and tried to pick a fight with a 20 something German guy. The guy took the bait and got in the short man's face but his girlfriends pulled him away. "Ricki..Ricki, komm!" Ricki slouched away with them in that "Yeah you better be glad my friends are here to stop me" manner that actually means "I am a pussy and wouldn't have done a damn thing, but I'm pretending to be cool because I like this girl." Interesting to note that this trait is not just present in Americans.

A red-haired man went up to a transport worker and asked him something. The worker shook his head, and the man moved on to Ricki's group. I thought he was asking for a cigarette, a commonplace thing here where prices for a pack are sky high ($7). But then I caught the words "Wedding station" and realized he was just asking for directions. The German boy in the group responded "Ja I sink, 2 stations from hier." His tone was clearly condescending.
"Cheers!" the ginger Englishman responded. The girls in the group laughed, mocking his friendly version of "Thanks!"

I went up to the English guy, who was relating the info to his travel buddy, and told him, "Yes, Wedding is on this line. It's the next stop."
He looked relieved. "Cheers! It's the 42? I can take this line?"
"Yep!" I answered.
"Cheers! How do you say 'Is Wedding the next station'?"
"Uhh..Ist die nächste Station Wedding," I responded.
He and his buddy flashed a super huge smiles. "Wow, it's so close to English. Cheers!"

I wandered a few steps away, unwittingly getting closer to the belligerent dude. He was still pissed and started loudly insulting a cluster of German-speaking men who could have been of Indian descent. Yet again one of them took the bait (learning by example is not popular here, apparently) and they exchanged words. All the Germans on the platform looked over with indifferent interest, the same way you start watching trashy reality TV because there is nothing else on but you're bored and hope something interesting might happen.

The same German who had gruffly informed me that der Zug endet hier decided he'd had enough. He made a beeline for Aggressive Dude (AD) and got in his face, speaking quietly in rapid German. I wasn't close enough to hear the words but it reminded me of Cesar Milan when dealing with a particularly stubborn and aggressive dog. The other Germans kept watching with raised eyebrows, no doubt waiting for the other shoe to fly.

Maybe it was that Gruff Dude was about twice the other's height, or maybe his Dog Whisperer tactics worked. Or maybe he was promising to cut Aggressive Dude up worse than a pig in a butcher shop. AD shut his mouth and Gruff Dude walked away, taking a swig from his beer. AD's mouth may have been stopped, but his sour mood continued -- he chucked his empty beer bottle onto the train tracks, its trajectory carrying it just a foot past me so hard that it shattered instantly. Then stalked away, pissed as ever -- but quiet as a lamb. The Germans looked slightly disappointed and resumed their blank German stare into the distance.

The train rumbled up and everyone boarded as if nothing had happened. I made sure to board a car away from AD and headed home without further incident.

Just another day on the S Bahn.

Dating in Germany: Part 1

So, I will admit it. I am pretty clueless about dating in Germany, despite having had 3 German boyfriends in the past (plus Dingens). I met two of them in the US, so the courtship was on American terms. I guess there's an unspoken rule to do as the Romans do or something. So now the shoe is on the other foot, and it's up to me to accommodate the other culture. It's not easy though. The whole scene is just so different from the US.

How it normally works in the US:
Girl goes out to a bar with friends. Total Stranger Guy comes up and starts conversation with this girl, probably with some cheesy line or an offer of a drink. Girl accepts. They exchange numbers (or go home together). They see each other again, usually for lunch or coffee. Commence awkward "Getting to know you" conversation because they were too drunk during the initial meeting to remember anything they talked about. They see each other again, maybe for dinner or a movie. And after a few more dates, it's time for the talk (even more awkward than the coffee date.. "Soooooooo, just wondering.. Am I your girlfriend?") And then it's official and everyone is happy.

How it works in Germany:
Girl goes out to a bar with friends. Total Stranger Guy looks her in the eye for about 3.5 seconds. Girl thinks "I wonder if he'll come over to talk to me." He doesn't, but ten minutes later, Guy looks her in the eye again. 5 seconds this time. Girl wonders, "Do I have something on my face?" Later on in the night, they cross paths again. Guy looks her in the eye again. Still from several feet away, still no conversation. Girl thinks, "He's a fucking psycho," and stays away from him for the rest of the night, pointedly ignoring his stares.

It's something like this:

"Hey girl, I'm totally into you." 

No wonder the birth rate in this country is declining.

After doing some research on the subject, it seems that there are some underlying cultural reasons for their roundabout flirting.

Germany is a progressive country. The machismo culture of the Mediterranean seems to be directly related to the average annual temperature -- the further north you go, the less of it there is. By the time you reach Germany, the women are fully equal in society and relationships. They are practical, independent, and to the point. This means they are totally OK with saying "I'm not interested, go away." Apparently this has happened often enough over time that straightforward hitting on has been weeded out of the culture, and now guys signal that they are interested with a look lasting longer than a few seconds. Or multiple looks. Then the ball is in the girl's court. The German flirting is a definite improvement over the annoying random guy grinding behind you at a club. It was just really weird until I realized what was actually going on ("Why are there so many creepers with staring problems in here??")

One blogger put it quite succinctly: "Basically, men are afraid to make fools of themselves, because that’s precisely the risk that flirting entails, and Germans don’t go in for risks. They like to do things properly and thoroughly, not spontaneously or irrationally."

I can vouch for that. Dingens is a prime specimen - good looking, intelligent, diverse interests, etc. Yet for all his good attributes, he's super sensitive and constantly worried that he will do/say something that will show him in a bad light. I finally told him, "Look, I like when people are weird. I am plenty weird and do tons of stupid things. I like you, so just be yourself." He was relieved and he's opened up more since then, but it makes me wonder -- what the hell do German women do for men to be so skittish?

Fun possibly related fact: German men are trained to pee sitting down from a very young age. It has sparked quite a few threads, including this hilarious one from reddit: "A woman was saying that it was totally gross if men stand to pee because they splatter pee all over the place and the men were hanging their heads in shame although one guy did say that he's allowed to stand to pee at the toilet he has in the basement." Pure gold. You'll often see signs politely demanding "Bitte im sitzen pinkeln" - please pee sitting down.

 yatego

Anyway, back to the topic..Another reason why it's unusual to be hit on here: Germans, like the French, are cliquey. They have a core group of friends and it's hard to "break in" as an outsider. If they go out, they normally stay just within that group. It's a blessing and a curse -- great if you are also just out with your friends and not looking for anyone..BUT, if you're interested in meeting someone new, good luck and be prepared to do the leg work!

So, let's say that you  have mastered the "German pick up line" and how to initiate conversation after the guy gives you the look. Congratulations, you've finally managed to get a date with a German! But the cultural differences don't stop there. There are still some important things to note before the date itself. German men are:

• Extremely punctual.  He might even be *gasp* early and irritable if he has to wait around for you. The exception is if he's more Berliner than German, in which case he'll likely be fashionably late. Still, it's better to be ready on time -- you never know.
• You have to plan ahead for dates. Germans love scheduling things, and you're likely to get "I already have plans," if you wait too long to set a date. He's not blowing you off -- German honesty doesn't allow that, and he'd just say "I don't really like you." Nope, he has actually already made plans. Spontaneity is not valued much here.
• Neither is small talk. Germans are direct and say what needs to be said, not much more. Expect to get into engaged conversations about things they are interested in and serious, well-thought answers to your questions. The plus side: he will remember what you say because he's not just daydreaming in his happy place while you blab on about your (recent shopping trip, night out with your girls, dog back home, etc).
• Also, Germans are unwavering in their opinions. They consider all the facts before making up their mind about something, but once they decide the 'best' way, they think all other conflicting opinions are moronic and not worth considering. My first German boyfriend said "That's so stupid," in response to a comment I made. The directness and honesty was quite a shock to me, especially having grown up in the South and being used to white lies to protect the others' feelings and be polite. The memory is actually burned into my mind, like when something traumatic happens to you.  
• They study way longer than Americans -- it's totally normal to meet a 28 year old who's still in uni. Be prepared to talk about things other than careers, and forget about finding a young successful businessman (or engineer, in the case of Germany. I think engineering is the only acceptable course of study here).
• They are not religious. 56% of the country is atheist/agnostic, as Germans are far too practical to believe in something like an omniscient bearded man living in the clouds. True to form, the direct and honest German might even scoff openly if the subject comes up. 
• Expect to split the bill. German women are equals, remember? Sorry to all my ladies who go out on dates just for free dinner and drinks -- that won't fly here.
• Also, don't ask questions if you don't want an honest answer. "What do you think of my new dress" might not get you the white lie that an American would give. "Mmhh, I don't really like the color" is a perfectly acceptable answer here. On the plus side, if he says he likes you or pays a compliment, you can trust that it's how he actually feels. Just be sure to repay the favor and resist your temptation as an American to be polite and avoid hurting feelings. He'll take you at your word, and you might find yourself dragged to watch countless football (soccer) matches because you once said "I like football" in an attempt to seem cool.

So, keeping this in mind -- Part 2 will discuss what to expect when you're actually seeing each other regularly. Once you get the basic principles of German culture down, it makes sense. But at first the learning curve is a bit steep and you might be left wondering "Does he even like me?" as I did many a time.

So why don’t men here flirt? Partly it’s about conforming to standards: getting a wolf whistle as you walked down Unter den Linden would be a bit much. But I don’t believe any German woman could justifiably be offended by being approached by a friendly stranger – that’s just an excuse. Basically, men are afraid to make fools of themselves, because that’s precisely the risk that flirting entails, and Germans don’t go in for risks. They like to do things properly and thoroughly, not spontaneously or irrationally. Forget genetic predisposition, or even cultural conditioning. Germans just aren’t into extreme sports.S

So why don’t men here flirt? Partly it’s about conforming to standards: getting a wolf whistle as you walked down Unter den Linden would be a bit much. But I don’t believe any German woman could justifiably be offended by being approached by a friendly stranger – that’s just an excuse. Basically, men are afraid to make fools of themselves, because that’s precisely the risk that flirting entails, and Germans don’t go in for risks. They like to do things properly and thoroughly, not spontaneously or irrationally. Forget genetic predisposition, or even cultural conditioning. Germans just aren’t into extreme sports.

You can take the girl out of the South...

...But you can't take the South out of the girl.

Yes, despite my "I Love Berlin" posts I do get homesick sometimes.

These pictures probably won't mean much to many of you, but they mean the world to me.