Dating in Germany: Part 1

So, I will admit it. I am pretty clueless about dating in Germany, despite having had 3 German boyfriends in the past (plus Dingens). I met two of them in the US, so the courtship was on American terms. I guess there's an unspoken rule to do as the Romans do or something. So now the shoe is on the other foot, and it's up to me to accommodate the other culture. It's not easy though. The whole scene is just so different from the US.

How it normally works in the US:
Girl goes out to a bar with friends. Total Stranger Guy comes up and starts conversation with this girl, probably with some cheesy line or an offer of a drink. Girl accepts. They exchange numbers (or go home together). They see each other again, usually for lunch or coffee. Commence awkward "Getting to know you" conversation because they were too drunk during the initial meeting to remember anything they talked about. They see each other again, maybe for dinner or a movie. And after a few more dates, it's time for the talk (even more awkward than the coffee date.. "Soooooooo, just wondering.. Am I your girlfriend?") And then it's official and everyone is happy.

How it works in Germany:
Girl goes out to a bar with friends. Total Stranger Guy looks her in the eye for about 3.5 seconds. Girl thinks "I wonder if he'll come over to talk to me." He doesn't, but ten minutes later, Guy looks her in the eye again. 5 seconds this time. Girl wonders, "Do I have something on my face?" Later on in the night, they cross paths again. Guy looks her in the eye again. Still from several feet away, still no conversation. Girl thinks, "He's a fucking psycho," and stays away from him for the rest of the night, pointedly ignoring his stares.

It's something like this:

"Hey girl, I'm totally into you." 

No wonder the birth rate in this country is declining.

After doing some research on the subject, it seems that there are some underlying cultural reasons for their roundabout flirting.

Germany is a progressive country. The machismo culture of the Mediterranean seems to be directly related to the average annual temperature -- the further north you go, the less of it there is. By the time you reach Germany, the women are fully equal in society and relationships. They are practical, independent, and to the point. This means they are totally OK with saying "I'm not interested, go away." Apparently this has happened often enough over time that straightforward hitting on has been weeded out of the culture, and now guys signal that they are interested with a look lasting longer than a few seconds. Or multiple looks. Then the ball is in the girl's court. The German flirting is a definite improvement over the annoying random guy grinding behind you at a club. It was just really weird until I realized what was actually going on ("Why are there so many creepers with staring problems in here??")

One blogger put it quite succinctly: "Basically, men are afraid to make fools of themselves, because that’s precisely the risk that flirting entails, and Germans don’t go in for risks. They like to do things properly and thoroughly, not spontaneously or irrationally."

I can vouch for that. Dingens is a prime specimen - good looking, intelligent, diverse interests, etc. Yet for all his good attributes, he's super sensitive and constantly worried that he will do/say something that will show him in a bad light. I finally told him, "Look, I like when people are weird. I am plenty weird and do tons of stupid things. I like you, so just be yourself." He was relieved and he's opened up more since then, but it makes me wonder -- what the hell do German women do for men to be so skittish?

Fun possibly related fact: German men are trained to pee sitting down from a very young age. It has sparked quite a few threads, including this hilarious one from reddit: "A woman was saying that it was totally gross if men stand to pee because they splatter pee all over the place and the men were hanging their heads in shame although one guy did say that he's allowed to stand to pee at the toilet he has in the basement." Pure gold. You'll often see signs politely demanding "Bitte im sitzen pinkeln" - please pee sitting down.

 yatego

Anyway, back to the topic..Another reason why it's unusual to be hit on here: Germans, like the French, are cliquey. They have a core group of friends and it's hard to "break in" as an outsider. If they go out, they normally stay just within that group. It's a blessing and a curse -- great if you are also just out with your friends and not looking for anyone..BUT, if you're interested in meeting someone new, good luck and be prepared to do the leg work!

So, let's say that you  have mastered the "German pick up line" and how to initiate conversation after the guy gives you the look. Congratulations, you've finally managed to get a date with a German! But the cultural differences don't stop there. There are still some important things to note before the date itself. German men are:

• Extremely punctual.  He might even be *gasp* early and irritable if he has to wait around for you. The exception is if he's more Berliner than German, in which case he'll likely be fashionably late. Still, it's better to be ready on time -- you never know.
• You have to plan ahead for dates. Germans love scheduling things, and you're likely to get "I already have plans," if you wait too long to set a date. He's not blowing you off -- German honesty doesn't allow that, and he'd just say "I don't really like you." Nope, he has actually already made plans. Spontaneity is not valued much here.
• Neither is small talk. Germans are direct and say what needs to be said, not much more. Expect to get into engaged conversations about things they are interested in and serious, well-thought answers to your questions. The plus side: he will remember what you say because he's not just daydreaming in his happy place while you blab on about your (recent shopping trip, night out with your girls, dog back home, etc).
• Also, Germans are unwavering in their opinions. They consider all the facts before making up their mind about something, but once they decide the 'best' way, they think all other conflicting opinions are moronic and not worth considering. My first German boyfriend said "That's so stupid," in response to a comment I made. The directness and honesty was quite a shock to me, especially having grown up in the South and being used to white lies to protect the others' feelings and be polite. The memory is actually burned into my mind, like when something traumatic happens to you.  
• They study way longer than Americans -- it's totally normal to meet a 28 year old who's still in uni. Be prepared to talk about things other than careers, and forget about finding a young successful businessman (or engineer, in the case of Germany. I think engineering is the only acceptable course of study here).
• They are not religious. 56% of the country is atheist/agnostic, as Germans are far too practical to believe in something like an omniscient bearded man living in the clouds. True to form, the direct and honest German might even scoff openly if the subject comes up. 
• Expect to split the bill. German women are equals, remember? Sorry to all my ladies who go out on dates just for free dinner and drinks -- that won't fly here.
• Also, don't ask questions if you don't want an honest answer. "What do you think of my new dress" might not get you the white lie that an American would give. "Mmhh, I don't really like the color" is a perfectly acceptable answer here. On the plus side, if he says he likes you or pays a compliment, you can trust that it's how he actually feels. Just be sure to repay the favor and resist your temptation as an American to be polite and avoid hurting feelings. He'll take you at your word, and you might find yourself dragged to watch countless football (soccer) matches because you once said "I like football" in an attempt to seem cool.

So, keeping this in mind -- Part 2 will discuss what to expect when you're actually seeing each other regularly. Once you get the basic principles of German culture down, it makes sense. But at first the learning curve is a bit steep and you might be left wondering "Does he even like me?" as I did many a time.

So why don’t men here flirt? Partly it’s about conforming to standards: getting a wolf whistle as you walked down Unter den Linden would be a bit much. But I don’t believe any German woman could justifiably be offended by being approached by a friendly stranger – that’s just an excuse. Basically, men are afraid to make fools of themselves, because that’s precisely the risk that flirting entails, and Germans don’t go in for risks. They like to do things properly and thoroughly, not spontaneously or irrationally. Forget genetic predisposition, or even cultural conditioning. Germans just aren’t into extreme sports.S

So why don’t men here flirt? Partly it’s about conforming to standards: getting a wolf whistle as you walked down Unter den Linden would be a bit much. But I don’t believe any German woman could justifiably be offended by being approached by a friendly stranger – that’s just an excuse. Basically, men are afraid to make fools of themselves, because that’s precisely the risk that flirting entails, and Germans don’t go in for risks. They like to do things properly and thoroughly, not spontaneously or irrationally. Forget genetic predisposition, or even cultural conditioning. Germans just aren’t into extreme sports.